SLS Casino's grand, um, opening.

We drove by it so many times this summer. We tried to peek in, anticipating the magical wonderland awaiting inside. Today, the day finally came, and the reviews are in...

"Meh."

SLS Casino Las Vegas opened at midnight last night, and the hype on the local news has been going on for weeks. It is a BIG deal, really. SLS is the first casino to open on the Strip since the Cosmopolitan opened in 2010, and the first venue to open amongst several major renovation and development planned for the north end of the Strip. The north Strip area was officially deemed "dead" once the Sahara shuttered its doors on May 16, 2011, but it had long been struggling. The impressively large $2.9 billion Fontainebleau resort project, which was meant to be the behemoth sister to their Miami Beach hotel, went bankrupt in 2009 and has sat untouched ever since. The hotels that are currently still in business on the north Strip--Circus Circus, Riviera, Stratosphere--are starting to look, feel and smell like a retirement home. While the jewel of the Strip, Aria, fills the nose with the pleasant aromas of vanilla, jasmine, and fresh $100 bills, take a whiff when you walk into the Riv and you'll pick up the distinctive odors of dirty ashtrays, cheap hookers, and failure. Just like a majority of their patrons, these casinos are just sitting around, stinking, and waiting to die.

So when the SLS project actually came to fruition unlike the bankrupted, half-built projects surrounding it, it was exuberantly touted as the shining symbol of the rebirth of the north end of the Strip. And it led the way for other projects to finally find their footing, too. The SLS's opening is soon to be followed by the Asian-themed Resorts World in 2016 and the City of Rock music venue that will host the Rock in Rio mega-concert and festival next May. Discussions also abound regarding a stadium to be built in the area in order to draw a pro sports team. (My vote: football!)

While the SLS is being celebrated by those who welcome the economic boom that comes with development, it has also drawn its critics. And since going there and seeing the re-vamped Sahara space that SLS now occupies, I can absolutely see why someone would be critical. Here's why:

The Cosmopolitan ushered in the era of the "boutique" hotel, and sent a clear message to resort developers that bigger doesn't necessarily have to mean better. Smaller spaces and fewer rooms afforded the Cosmo the chance to "play" and be whimsical with its unique design elements and thougtfully-appointed suites. From the three-story bar and lounge inside a giant sparkly chandelier, to the secret pizza parlor down a 3rd floor dark hallway, the Cosmo has something special to discover behind every nook and cranny. Where the Cosmo delights, the SLS just falls flat.

Owner Sam Nazarian intended for his new Las Vegas casino and boutique hotel to be an extention of sbe's SLS hotel brand that currently has outposts in Beverly Hills and South Beach. (SLS stands for Style-Luxury-Service, not Sam-Loves-Steve, as Nazarian recently joked to Steve Wynn, ironically referencing their long-standing rivalry.) Style is certainly something that Nazarian knows a thing or two about, as his nightlife venues are frequented by celebrities and trendsetters worldwide. I personally had first heard about the sbe brand when they were featured on MTV's "The Hills" reality series. If that's not a pop-culture driven brand, I don't know what is.

Unfortunately, I'm not sure that any amount of celebrity hype can save this new sbe production. Going into the new SLS Las Vegas, it is plain to see that this is a remodeled space, not a new one. It doesn't feel fresh or have that "wow" factor that the succesful Las Vegas brands need to get people in the door and keep them coming back. For example, the ceiling of the casino floor:

It just screams, "Meh." Where Cosmo's casino decor comes to life with sparkling, crystalline and magenta everything, SLS chose to paint the ventilation units black, I suppose as a nod to the "industrial" look of a hipster's downtown loft. But there's really no fooling anyone that the ceiling is just the old, tired Sahara structure peeking through and exposing it for what it is: a rehab. And not a great one.

After inspecting the underwhelmed and overcrowded casino, we decided to grab a bite to eat for lunch. The 800 Degrees pizzeria looked okay, but everyone is doing authentic neopolitan pizzas in Vegas these days. It's getting a little tired, frankly, and since we already know that no one can do it better than Tony Gemignani, we shuffled along to Umami Burger.

So, the most annoying phenomenon happened to us for the SECOND TIME today at Umami. Allow me to elaborate. Last year, Matt and I were excited to be staying at Caesaer's Palace on the same day that Gordon Ramsay's Pub was opening. An avid watcher of Hell's Kitchen, I reveled in every "Shut it down!" and "You f*cking donkey!" cry from the mouth of G.R., so imagine my glee as I finally would have the opportunity to nosh on Gordon-approved cuisine. We arrived at the hostess stand, but were told there were no tables available for the next TWO HOURS. "Wow, must be popular," we thought... until we inspected the innerds of the restaurant a little closer. There were at least 10 tables completely open, settings untouched.

You mean to tell me that on opening night of a fervently-hyped celebrity chef's restaurant that they didn't have enough waitstaff to cover all the tables at once?! Or, are they trying to come across as more "exclusive" then they actually are? Or (and this sounds the most likely), are they steering diners to the casino to lose all their money while they wait for their tables? So, after our experience with that f*cking donkey Gordon Ramsay, we were more than moderately annoyed to walk into Umami Burger, be told that it was a 45-50 minute wait for a table, and then see this:

And this:

After the crushing blow of being played like a fiddle by the hostess stand, we put our name in and then just wandered around the restaurant aimlessly. We found a couch and table in their non-seated lounge section, which was a score seeing as we never, EVER were actually called for our table. Upon seeing the menu, I became innapropriately overjoyed when I read that there was both a truffle burger and truffle fries available. The Vegas restaurant community clearly held a secret meeting recently to which the consensus was, "Truffle flavor all the things!" While I never quite embraced the sun-dried tomato fad of the 90s or jumped on the early 2000's sweet potato bandwagon, I have developed a very special relationship with truffles and am extremely stoked at their meteoric rise to fad food fame.

We waited a full half hour for our food, and became alarmed when we saw that no one in the entire restaurant had anything in their mouths. But, as soon as we vocalized our fears, the food came. Let's move on to my non-cheflike, simple-palatted review:

The fries were just okay. The truffle element was incorporated into a cheese sauce, which was a little reminiscent of the slimy gelatinous orange stuff that comes on ballpark nachos. But better, of course, because of the truffle flavor. They were shoestring fries, which don't lend well to gripping the drippings, but overall pretty great. I'd order them again, and I'd give them a solid B grade.

The truffle burger, also covered in Umami's signature truffle cheese goop, was a darn good, perfectly cooked burger. Look at the heavenly juiciness:

I'd give the burger a B+, although Matt is a more of a beefivore than I am, and he loved it. I generally don't eat hot dogs, because of them being hot dogs, but he was happy to report that the one he ordered was very, very good. Here's a pic of our meal in its entirety:

We got the check ($31 for everything pictured... not bad for a trendy, new Vegas restaurant) and with still no word from the hostess stand about our elusive table, we headed back out to check out the rest of the joint.

So, I've got a question for you: When you go outside for a leisurely day at the pool, do you like to be unexpectedly blinded by the reflection of the sun on the horrifyingly bright all-white outdoor decor? Yeah, me neither. But SLS thought you might enjoy blindness. Matt had forgotten his sunglasses in the car, so we had to flee to pool area immediately, otherwise we would have had to take him to the hospital. You might not want to look directly at the pic below:

I actually had to take that photo from inside, once we were safely behind the filter of a window. I kid you not.

Overall, I think the best way I can describe SLS is "rough around the edges." From the dirty bathroom floor (already?) to the roped-off and curtained-off areas, it's my opinion that they should have waited a few more months to polish things up before exposing the eager public to it. For all the promise that the north end of the Strip holds, I hope that future developments take the time and effort to deliver better than what SLS has offered. Otherwise, the area will be "dead" again in no time.